You Get What You Negotiate, Not What You Deserve (Three Key Lessons to Apply Right Away)
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"Negotiation" sounds really formal, but the fact is we are negotiating all the time. Anytime we want something that involves other people, we have to negotiate.
From salary negotiation, cutting deals with companies, to getting our own children to do what we need them to do, we can use the skills of negotiation to improve our chances of getting a good outcome.
I don't know if you have kids, but at times I do feel like I'm negotiating with terrorists 😅. (Click here for a quick 50 second video about the one thing you can do to "negotiate" with toddlers by the legendary ex-hostage negotiator Chris Voss.)
Before diving into the three lessons, it is important to have the right mindset for any negotiation.
1/ Make it about them
Be empathetic. It doesn't mean you have to agree with or like everything they say, you don't. It just means you should step into their shoes. Seek to understand and constantly gather data - feel how they feel.
2/ 'Ok' no matter the outcome
The outcome of the negotiation is not 100% in your control, it involves other people and because of that, you cannot guarantee the outcome. Instead of approaching every negotiation with a 'must win' attitude, go-in with a I'm ok no matter what attitude. (A positive mind and a happy attitude raises sales by 37% and productivity by 31% as shown by a decade of research.)
3/ Anticipate a bumpy ride
If you think it's going to be sunshine and rainbows, a bump in the negotiation might knock you off your game. So go in with the anticipation that something is going to go wrong, be present and ride the waves.
Ultimately, in order to get what you want, you need to give them what they want and for them to get what they want, they need to give you what you want.
This is teamwork.
Your job is to help them realize you are a team.
BASE PRINCIPLE
Negotiate WITH them, not AGAINST them.
WHAT IF?
What if you had the skills to better negotiate? What if you were able to have a better chance at getting what you want? What if you could be less anxious and feel more at ease when you have to negotiate?
There are so many resources out there about negotiating. Entire academic departments focused on that discipline that have models and frameworks for all kinds of scenarios. Don't get me wrong, they are probably very helpful, but what I find is that there are some key things - simple things that we can all apply right now to drastically up our negotiation game without diving into all that.
Ready?
Here they are:
1/ Get them to say 'NO'
The conventional wisdom is to get people to a 'YES'. But that is a failed methodology according to Chris Voss and the Black Swan Group. Yes doesn't really mean yes and people actually feel like they are being taken for a ride when asked questions that elicit yeses. (eg. Hi, how are you, are you having a good day today? Will you be eating dinner this evening? Would you say you like good food at a decent price? - can you feel yourself feeling uneasy? What is this person trying to sell me?)
Instead of yes, get people to say NO.
"Is now a bad time to talk?" - You can only get a "not at all" in which case you have their attention or "yes, it's a bad time" which means you can follow up by asking for a different time.
"Is it a ridiculous idea...?" - You will often get a no, but. Listen for the but... there you will find the barriers you need to overcome.
"Have you given up on...?" - this is the best question to ask if someone is ghosting you. It can quickly reignite conversations or you will know it's a dead end.
2/ Label everything
An amazing way to get more information and display empathy is to label.
If something about the person's body language changes:
"It seems like you're uncomfortable with that"
"It looks like something just crossed your mind"
If there is something you don't agree with:
"It seems like you have a reason for saying/ doing that..."
If you find yourself stuck:
"Ite sound like there is nothing I can say to get you to change your mind"
If they say the price is too high:
"It seems like the value is just not there for you"
If you don't think there is a deal to be had in the first place:
"It doesn't seem like you are ready to commit"
"It seems like you are still in the information gathering phase"
3/ The soothing voice
Our tone is critical in the delivery of any message - why do you think it's so difficult to understand the real message behind text messages and emails? NO TONE! Emojis help, but the human voice can do wonders. (Check out Key and Peele's sketch about misinterpreting text message tones - warning: explicit.)
There are three different tones of voice we all adopt:
a. Assertive (direct and honest)
This is typically counterproductive. Your side may feel good about it, but it never accomplishes anything other than making the otherside dig in further.
b. Smiling (hopeful and happy)
This works for some negotiations, but it doesn't give a sense that you have a strong stance and a stable backbone to do a deal with.
c. Analyst (soothing and calming)
This is the best voice for negotiation. A truth speaker, someone confident, have the power to make decisions, someone you can trust. How do you do this? Imagine a late night FM Radio DJ voice. See Chris Voss demonstrate here. Always end your sentences with a downward inflection.
"Successful negotiation is not about getting to 'yes'; it's about mastering 'no' and understanding what the path to an agreement is."
~Chris Voss
I hope these lessons can help you with your day-to-day and high-stakes negotiations.
Watch out kids! 😅
Live your legend 🤘🏽,
Sources:
Achor, Shawn, The Happiness Dividend, Harvard Business Review, June 23, 2011 - LINK
Harvard Law School, Ask Better Negotiation Questions, February 19th, 2024 - LINK
Do, Chris, FBI Negotiator Teaches Art of Negotiation (Masterclass w/ Chris Voss), YouTube - LINK
Voss, Chris, Negotiation Training: The Top 4 'No-Oriented' Questions, December 19, 2023 - LINK
Voss, Chris, Negotiation Training: The Top 10 Black Swan Go-To Labels, October 4, 2021 - LINK
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