How to Negotiate For More By Saying Less
6 shifts to finally get what you want without the other side losing.
My 4 year-old took one look at her plate of roast chicken and buttered carrots and said “No. I don’t like it.” (This was a meal she’s eaten many times and have told me she loved it) I was gearing up to give her a piece of my mind, when I decided to do something different… something that I learned from a master negotiator (find out what happened at the end 🌀.)
This week’s strategies comes from one of the most refreshingly honest and powerful voices on negotiation I’ve ever come across: Fotini Iconomopoulos.
She's been called The Negotiator, and after hearing her stories, from closing boardroom deals to negotiating with ER doctors while fighting off an anaphylactic reaction, I can see why.
She’s taught at Harvard, advised execs at some of the world’s biggest companies, and most importantly she lives what she teaches.
And her superpower?
Helping people like you and me to realize that negotiation is not just a skill, it’s a way of thinking.
Most people think of negotiation as this high-stakes, slick-talking, “wolf of Wall Street” kind of thing. Fotini blows that idea up completely. “The second you’re trying to get agreement on something, you’re in a negotiation,” she says. “If we were already in agreement, we wouldn’t need to negotiate.”
That means:
When you’re setting boundaries around your time = negotiation
When you’re proposing a new idea to your team = negotiation
When you’re asking for support at home so you can pursue your dream = negotiation
Even choosing not to speak up? That’s a negotiation…with fear. And fear often wins.
❤️ Heartset: Whenever you face disagreement, you are negotiating.
(My 4 year-old won’t eat, but I’m not cooking her another meal = negotiation.)
So instead of seeing negotiation as conflict. See it as conscious alignment. How can we all get on the same team? When you do, everything changes. That “conflict” is just a signal for misalignment .
🧠 Mindset: Discover how to better align, not hot to “win”.
“I kind of shiver when people talk about winning a negotiation because winning... those are war terms. When you win, someone else is going to lose. And so that's not something that is sustainable.” Fotini says.
Want to get better at negotiating? Or rather aligning disagreements? (I know I do…my 4 year-old has the upper hand!)
🧰 Skillset: Six shifts to start getting what you want without making the other person lose
1/ Look for Opportunities in Disagreements
Know that negotiation = influence. Instead of letting life “just happen”, start looking for hidden moments in your day where there are disagreements and influence is happening. You’ll be amazed at how much more in control you’ll feel.
2/ Ask First, Offer Later
When trying to sell something, most people lead with price. That’s a huge mistake! “If I give you a price before I know what you want, I lose power,” says Fotini.
“I let you define the value instead of defining it myself.” Instead, ask questions. Understand their goals. Gather power first. Only then do you talk numbers. (This applies to salary negotiation - get them to really NEED you, then you talk offer.)
3/ Aim for “Alignment” Not “Win-Lose”
Winning sounds good, until the other side feels like they’ve lost. And that creates resentment, which kills repeat business. And it is also the quickest way to shut down future communications. Never aim to win, instead, aim for alignment.
4/ Be Likeable, Not Cheap
You don’t need to “buy” love with a discount. Fotini reminds us “People don’t work with you because you’re the cheapest, they buy because they like you.” Here are her 3C’s of likeability:
Compliment: Give a real, specific compliment.
Commonality: Find shared values or goals.
Cooperation: Frame your pitch as a partnership, not a plea.
5/ Say Less, Get More
This is the title of her book. “The person who says less usually gets more,” says Fotini. “But it has to be paired with confident body language.” Saying less from a place of fear? That’s shrinking. Saying less from a place of power? That’s strategic silence. Next time you feel like filling the silence with your voice, don’t. Pause, let them talk.
6/ Prepare Like a Pro
Your greatest tool isn’t clever words. It’s knowledge. Before any negotiation, big or small, ask:
What do they care about?
What biases might they bring?
How do I show them they can trust me?
What story do I need to tell?
Preparation isn’t perfection. It’s clarity. And clarity is confidence.
Sooo… are you ready to look for daily opportunities to negotiate? To influence the other party so you get what you want and they feel good about the outcome?
🌀 She looks at me, defiant. And instead of saying anything. I just looked at her, pursed my lips and said nothing. My wife said nothing. We just went about eating our dinner. After a few moments she said “I’ll try one bite”. We said nothing. “I’ll try two bites”. Still we kept quiet. “I’ll try four bites!” Bite by bite, she finished her plate. Even though this is probably not going to work the next time 😅, I’m taking on every disagreement as a chance to practice negotiation!
This week, for our influence psychology lesson:
The Ben Franklin Effect
Want someone to like you more?
Don’t flatter them. Ask them for a favor.
Strange, right? But the Ben Franklin Effect proves that when people do something for you, they’re more likely to like you—because their brain needs the action to make sense.
The original story was that Ben Franklin once asked a rival in Congress to lend him a rare book. The rival agreed. Later, Franklin noted: "He became my friend, and he continued to be so for the rest of his life."
Franklin didn’t win him over with charm. He won him over with a small ask.
In a 1969 study, participants who were asked to return a cash prize as a personal favor rated the researcher significantly more likable than those who weren’t asked.
Helping created connection.
How can you apply the Ben Franklin Effect?
Here are five ways:
Ask a colleague for their advice on something small. “Hey, I really liked how you handled that client. Mind if I ask how you'd approach this situation?”
It signals respect—and subtly builds goodwill.Request help with a task you could technically do yourself. “Would you mind reviewing this before I send it off? A second pair of eyes would help.”
It creates a sense of collaboration and makes people feel valued.At networking events, ask for a resource or recommendation. “Have you read anything great lately on [topic]? I’m looking for a fresh perspective.”
Small ask = easy yes = emotional investment in you.”Ask your neighbor for a small favor. “Would you mind grabbing my package if it gets delivered while I’m out?” Small neighborhood favors build real-world rapport.
Let a friend teach you something they’re good at. “You’re amazing at budgetin, could you show me how you set up your tracker?” They’ll feel helpful, and you’ll deepen the friendship.
Remember Legends, people support what they help shape.
Ask for something small. It builds something big.
Howie Chan
Creator of Influence Anyone
Follow me on LinkedIn
Don’t miss:
The Influence Anyone Podcast
listen to Fotini share how she negotiated in the ER and more tips on how to get what you want without having the other person lose. I shared 10 negotiation secrets on LinkedIn (with 26,472 impressions so far.)
🎧 Listen to the full episode on Apple, Spotify, the web or wherever you get your podcasts.